Perfection For Other People

I love being a mom and I love being a foster mom. There is definitely something deeply special about it and I feel like I’ve learned more of God’s heart through our foster journey thus far. 

When I first became a foster parent it.was.hard.  For about a month and a half I felt chronically stressed and anxious. 

We worked tirelessly to build a secure attachment and gain the trust of the first little girl who came into our care. To my husband and I, it felt like a victory when she actually let me change her diaper and clothes.  It felt like a miracle when she stopped hiding under the bed from us and let us hold her hand. Having sufficient sleep, was like a divine gift from God. During this time, I didn’t just take things day-by-day, but more like hour-to-hour. 

I always knew that God guided me into this, but when I witnessed healing of her trauma and breakthroughs in our relationship — from our love-in-action and desperate prayers –I felt more than ever the depth of our calling to foster-to-adopt.

My Growth in The Lord as a Foster Parent

Going into this, I thought I already understood that it’s okay to be imperfect.  I thought I already grasped how to give myself grace in my imperfections.  But lately, I’ve been learning how to be okay with being imperfect, even when other people’s expectations, expect perfection. Being a foster mom, is putting me in situations that are helping me to grow in different ways I didn’t know that I needed.

Logically, I know that I don’t need to be the perfect mom, because I know the perfect parent doesn’t exist. However, as a foster parent I do feel like the weight of perfection is put on me from various different places.

All the things that are required to be maintained within a foster home, sometimes feels difficult to do when you are trying to care of all the kiddos. For us, we have monthly visits from CASA, social workers, our agency worker, and occasionally licensing so they can meet with the kids and check our home. Sometimes there are random inspections of our house where someone unexpectedly drops-by, to ensure our home is in compliance. It makes me feel as if I always need to be on top of my game, to have things organized in my home. I have to make sure certain things are always in order. To name a few:

• Prescription and non-prescription medicines needing to be double-locked at all times, which means they can never just sit out on the counter. I thought this would be super easy to do, but when you are in a rush or getting up at 2 a.m. for a sick kid, it is more challenging than your think to find the keys, get the medication and log everything (date, time, medication, dosage, symptoms)!
• Unused, outlet plugs always covered – again, seems easy until you’re in a rush; or your kids are calling for help/attention; or when your mind is thinking of 5 other things at once.  An outlet cover is the last thing on your mind. 
• Keeping up-to-date on expired meds, food, and fire extinguishers, etc.

Our agency worker has even said, “foster parents have to do things I don’t do for my own bio kid”. With having three foster children there are additional responsibilities than caring for non-foster children. Trying to remember certain requirements in the home adds up to feeling burdensome, because it feels like I have to nitpick at different parts of my life, simply because I am under a microscope.

Another thing that makes me feel like I need to be perfect is the bio-parents of our foster kids. Each week we are required to take our foster kids to visit their bio-parents. Often times when the visit is finished, the caseworker will let us know about the concerns of the bio-parents — such as a bug bite, dissatisfaction with a child’s hair, clothes, minor boo-boos from recess at school etc. It honestly has made me feel like they expect me to be a perfect parent, because the bio-parents have expectations for me that I don’t even have for myself. When I try to give myself grace in an area, they want to be condemning for not reaching their expectations.

God has used a special friend in my life who also experienced the ups and downs of foster-to-adopt. On numerous occasions she has randomly texted me when I desperately needed encouragement with not just parenting, but fostering. I know that, the divine timing of her messages are encouragement from God. This latest time when I needed encouragement in regards to perfection she said,

I remember the complaints of nails not being cut or hair not being good enough, etc. and it just went to my core. You and your husband are doing an amazing job and use Galatians 1:10 as your guard. I’m going to pray for your worries. Trust me girl I’ve been there and I still can go there from time to time, but stay firm in knowing you are doing the work God has called you guys too. You are doing it for Him. And HE is enough. He has those children covered, you covered, and is a God who sees everything. Knows everything. And loves you to your very core. Rest in that sister, try to. His yoke is easy. Matt 11:28 

Galatians 1:10  Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

The scriptures my sweet friend sent to me were the exact reminder I needed to reset my perspective. Even if I’m not meeting other people’s expectations, I need to remind myself that simply stepping in obedience to become foster parents and all that it entails is pleasing in the sight of the Almighty God, the maker of heaven and earth.  The bio-parents may not be showing me much grace, but I know God certainly is.  Reminding myself of who He is, makes everyone else look a lot smaller.

All this is new to us and we are imperfectly learning through this process.  I am learning not just to foster-parent and how the system works, but also how not to be stressed through it, frustrated over it, or shame myself as a result failing other’s expectations.  It has been a process that God has been using to sanctify me and making me aware of places in my heart that need healing as I strive to perfection as Jesus is perfect.  I love the Amplified versions of Matthew 5:48, which reads, You therefore will be perfect [growing into spiritual maturity both in mind and character, actively integrating godly values into your daily life], as your heavenly Father is perfect. 

He is pleased with me because it is making me cling to Him more. With that being said, I need to let His opinion of me be the only one that matters. He will carry me through this, as long as I keep my eyes on Him. When I keep my eyes on Him, the divine rest that Matthew 11:28 is referring to, will transcends though all the chaotic situations and tense feelings.  

Matthew 11:28-30 NIV
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. [29] Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. [30] For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

1 Corinthians 10:31
Do everything for the glory of God.