This section is meant to be looked at as a whole, not as individual posts, which is why I’m not posting each journal entry one-by-one.
If I posted these entries one-by-one, each to its own individual post, you end up losing the bigger picture.
When you look at the whole thing together you will see the whole process on the way God guided us individually, but also together.
You see God working with two different people from two very different backgrounds — me straight from the world and Jared comes from legalism, backsliding, and worldliness.
We had a lot to learn and God left a lot of space for grace!
You see a God who never condemns, but lovingly corrects.
You will see a God who is not legalistic, but gracious.
You will see personal convictions that teach us to hear God’s voice and transform us in this season of our lives.
Please remember not to take one individual post out of context of the bigger picture.
I also want to emphasize another key factor about our relationship.
Christ was always the center of our friendship. For months we didn’t think of dating each other, we just appreciated each other as friends and absolutely loved fellowshipping. This was what our relationship was focused and centered around…Jesus Christ. Not dating.
In fact, we never even had a “first date” because our friendship was deeply focused on fellowshipping and helping each other grow in Christ. We were always meeting up to study our bibles together. Our bible studies and growing to know God was our goal.
A lot of my journal entries are about my struggles and how God was helping in the midst of those struggles, or my journals are about what I learn in those bible studies and how God is speaking to me through The Word. This is actually what most of my journals are about, but of course there are journal entries about our relationship too, because God used this relationship in big ways to work deeply in both of our hearts. My journal entries were never really about dating each other, until one day it was.
We will also be adding more to this page, so please keep checking back for me!
The Dating Talk
Kristin's Journal
November 20, 2016
Well me and Jared finally had the talk about whether we are together or not because of his mom inviting me to thanksgiving dinner. I turned down the offer because we never had the talk about what we are. I wouldn’t usually go to a family holiday dinner if I wasn’t even dating the guy. Plus, it wasn’t him who invited me, it was his mom.
I thought once we had the talk about “us” things would be more clear, that I would be able to call him my “boyfriend” but things are more confusing then ever. He was saying that dating is not even in the Bible. But I honestly hate introducing him as my “friend” because it underplays everything I feel about him. Calling him a friend kinda feels like a lie, because that’s not what this is. I think I felt some-what “rejected” because this talk is not the way I thought it would go at all.
He wants to define what we call dating is, and not what the world considers dating. I completely agree. To us, dating is someone you can see your future with. You don’t just date, to date. What we call dating is different, but to me it’s still technically dating. What we are doing is not “friends”. If it’s not “friends” than to me, it’s “dating”.
Whether you dating just to date or dating because you truly do see a potential husband/wife, to me it’s still dating. Because dating is what you do when you are really trying to get to know someone on another level (that could be on a good or bad level – ex: Getting to know someone just to have casual sex with them is, obviously bad and sinful. vs. Getting to know someone to potentially marry them.)
I also just realized that this whole dating thing is not in the Bible because back-in-the-day, they had arranged marriages. Of course there was no dating.
To not be able to say we are dating is not only confusing to others, but even confusing to me to not call Jared a boyfriend.
After writing this journal entry I was happy to figure some things out in my head with how I was feeling….rejected.
I thought that maybe I’ll talk to Jared about this on Monday because we are both off. But then I thought “no maybe I should just take my time at talking about all this. Don’t rush anything. Maybe the talk went this way to slow us down for some reason”
And then about an hour later I read my devotional….AMAZING. This talk happened the day of my birthday.
After all was said and done I had a bad attitude and I was sad, but I didn’t let his talk ruin my night. The night ended really really good because I allowed myself to just find peace with God instead of thinking too much and being in my head.
I think God is pleased with me because I did not let myself dwell in this bad attitude.
I was led to a devotion that mentioned this scripture:
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful – Colossians 3:15
(What’s also so peculiar about this devotion, is that the girl who wrote it was talking about how she too was tempted to lose her peace on her BIRTHDAY!! Literally, just like me)
I did lose my peace for a moment, but I know I can’t allow myself to lose my peace, because this talk or this start-of-a- “relationship” is not going the way I thought it would.
I must fight for that peace in my heart, even when this situation is discouraging to me.
God’s answer is “not right now” and I need to have peace with that, and be thankful for the friendship.
By the I ended of the night, I felt encouraged enough to give Jared the ASV bible I bought him even though there was sadness in my heart, due to feeling rejected. What do you know the the address of the sender was 1828…seriously, what are the chances, that I would get an 828 in all this! I also got a family bible and the numbers in my package were 282!! Praise the Lord for doing the IMPOSSIBLE and for the encouragement.
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.
Kristin’s Additional Notes 12/23/2021:
Before having Christ in my life, I know I would have handled this differently. I know I would have withheld giving him this gift because I would have felt like he didn’t “deserve” a gift, after making me feel sad and rejected. It is another praise to God that I did not lean into this ungodly way of thinking and acting. Giving that gift is another testimony to God’s grace working in my heart.
Also just a silly thing to mention, is my birthday. God seems to always give me an extra blessing on my birthday. I always think of it as Him giving me a birthday present. This was my first birthday as a follower of Christ, and every birthday since, He always acknowledges the fact that it’s my birthday and He makes this day extra special in one-way-or-another.
I will always celebrate my birthday because I’m thankful God has allowed me to live another year and I feel as though God is celebrating it too, even though I don’t deserve to be celebrated. Don’t we have such a GOOD FATHER. Always giving us good gifts that we don’t deserve?
More About Ruth
Kristin's Journal
December 12, 2016
Me and J went to church in Sunday to see Max play in the worship band. The sermon was about the book of
Ruth in chapter 3. I’ve never heard anyone talk about Ruth.
In the book, Ruth is basically asking Boaz to marry her because she needs security. She ends up sleeping over and he accepts her proposal.
It was so peculiar because I was just asking God about sleep overs with J. I know nothing will ever happen with J because we don’t even kiss, and I know not to expect anything like that from him. I told God that I do think it’s ok if he sleeps over because we don’t do any of that stuff. I feel like that is what makes it not ok to sleep over. Most people would slip up and that is why there shouldn’t be any sleep overs. It’s weird how God showed me somewhere in the Bible of a “sleep over”.
When I was studying more of the book on my own I came across the expression of “lifting your garment over me”, is like getting under the wing of the lord for protection. I looked at the reference in Ezekiel.
Dream of God with wings and feathers
Jared's Journal
December 23, 2016
Dream of God with Wings and Feathers – Psalm 91
In this dream I was standing next to my truck with the door open talking to my friend Tom. We were in front of a small store and fairly near to the entrance. I saw a family going into the store, a man and woman and two girls, one young and the other was quite a bit older and larger. The younger girl was small and I could see that there were several strings attached to her and some balloons pulling upward. Her hand was being held by the older girl, but as the family was going into the store the older girl let go of the younger and she began to oddly float away, being pulled upward by the balloons. I became afraid and realized that the young girl could float away and die. The people didn’t seem to care and continued into the store. I called out to God for help, and immediately the direction the girl was floating in changed and she began floating down towards Tom and I. Tom is tall and is a basketball player, and I asked him to jump up and grasp her as she got closer. He jumped up in the air but missed her with his hands, but somehow the girl was able to reach her legs out and wrap around his waist. Tom now in the air with the girl continued to float down toward me. Tom was now continuing to reach into the air with his hands, his eyes now closed and with a big smile on his face said “I Feel Feathers!!”. I looked up above them and then my eyes were opened and I could see two huge white and glorious wings. I knew it was Him! They drew close to me and touched me and I was filled with the Spirit, and with life, and with energy from heaven! At this point I yelled out at the top of my lungs “DAAAAAAD!!!”, and even in real life I woke from the dream yelling Dad! K was nearby and heard me as I scared her when I yelled that. I woke up with my heart pounding and feeling filled and touched by God.
As soon as I saw the wings I knew it was Him, and the words kept coming to me over and over “Under His wings you will find peace”.
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
Psalms 91:4 | NIV
When I woke up I was in shock, scared, heart pounding, and felt filled or touched by Him. The words continued to come to me “Under His Wings you will find peace”. I knew that it must be Psalm 91. I asked K to open her phone and bible app to see which verse it was for sure, 91:3 or 91:4. When she opened her bible app it opened directly to Psalm 91!!!
I was in even greater shock to see this, and asked her when the last time she had used that app and why she left it in Psalm 91. She remembered that this morning she had seen an Oracle account number 119111 and the address of that was 1818. The 911 caught her eye as did the double number. She looked up Psalm 91:11 at that point and didn’t think that it meant anything for her, but as it relates to this dream it means a lot!
For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
Psalms 91:11c | NIV
I truly believe He put on both of our hearts to pray about not being deceived in these last days. I believe He is putting urgency on our hearts to submit more and trust fully and flee from what is wrong and of the deceiver. I also fully believe that He is leading us consistently to the answer to these concerns which is in Psalm 91 and staying under His feathers always, and as we are there nothing or nobody can touch us against His will. Even if the end of the world comes, we will be in such a place of hiding and rest and in Love with Him that we wont care to know what is going on.
Let no one deceive you in any way, for it will not come until the rebellion occurs and the man of lawlessness— the son of destruction— is revealed.
2 Thess. 2:3
I am afraid, however, that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent’s cunning, your minds may be led astray from your simple and pure devotion to Christ.
2 cor 11:3
Let no one deceive himself. If any of you thinks he is wise in this age, he should become a fool, so that he may become wise.
1 cor 3:18
Under His wings you will find refuge
Kristin's Journal
December 23, 2016
There has been an underlining theme lately with God’s wings.
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. -Psalms 91:4 | NIV
Lately me and J have been hitting some bumps in the road and burdens (sleeping in the same bed, sexual sins of the past, and social media). During this time God keeps bringing up psalm 91 or something that refers to his wings. Every time we do have trouble, I have been clinging so close to God again, because He is all I have in these troubles. I begin to cling to Him as a baby bird clings to its mother –so closely that they are covered by the mother bird’s wings.
I have to admit that there have been short timespans that have been so good in our relationship that I stopped clinging so closely to God. I wasn’t trying to actively not cling to Him, as if I was thinking I don’t need God. I know I need God, but I wasn’t feeling this desperation for Him in my heart. I wasn’t clinging so closely that I was under His feathers. These troubling times make me see I need to be always under His wings; because if I’m always under his wings, the hard circumstances or hard feelings, wont feel like such a blow to my heart. The cover of His wings will be my shield from my sensitive reactions. (1 Corinthians 10:13)
I’m having a lot of emotions in our current issues and it all feels really hard for my heart to handle. It’s as if my heart is being so overwhelmed by everything that I feel so tempted to sin against Jared with bad and hurtful attitudes, and wrongful judgements towards him. He is a new creations in Christ and I can not judge him for his past the way the world would judge him. Nor would I want him to do that to me.
Although, this is hard I’m thankful for all of this, because before these current struggles emerged I actually wondered about having a consistently good relationship with J; and how will I draw close to God like I did before without such heartbreak in my life? Will I have to have another devastating heartbreak or some type of life tragedy in order for me to cling to God so tightly? Will I have to lose J to feel close to God? If my relationship with J begins to flourish, will I still be able to grow in Christ without deep hardship within our relationship? The thing is, even though these things feel like a bump in the road, I do think our relationship is flourishing, but I think we are having some growing pains — learning about the past, but being Godly about it and learning how to deal with each other’s weaknesses. There is something about having a burden that allows you to draw close to God on a different level compared to when everything is peachy and perfect in life. I praise Him for these burdens cause I can literally just feel my heart growing closer to God through them.
God is revealing to me how to be closer to God without losing J. He is showing me to understand that you don’t necessarily have to go through a heartbreak to be able to draw close to God. Although these burdens have not broken my heart they still allowed me to draw so VERY close to God and call out to Him, in a similar way that I did call out to Him in a time of deep heartbreak, like I did in my past through separation/divorce. Through this I see that even in a good relationship there will be burdens due to disagreements, misunderstandings, hurt feelings or learning of past sin that for some reason feels like its hurting me; and I will need to run to God for ALL of them.
Today, I was reading the Ruth bible study and it referred to psalm 91! I can’t believe God tied Ruth together with psalm 91. To me, I feel like Ruth was an answer to prayer about sleeping the same bed (with self control) and now he is showing us psalm 91 being connected to Ruth. I’m not sure what this means, but I just realized this was one of our burdens God put on us.
Kristin’s additional notes:
Our relationship is the best it has ever been. There are times when there is still misunderstandings or disagreements, but these days I have a lot more self controls over my emotions; and our discussions are very different. Self control is a fruit of the spirit that God has worked into my heart and this fruit has helped our relationship tremendously.
I also realize that a lot of the time what makes me cling to God is not so much hard circumstances within our relationship, but just seeing my own sin in myself causes me cling to God. I hate my sin so much it makes me cling to God for help to find His grace to overcome.
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide an escape, so that you can stand up under it.
Psalm 61:2
When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
Ruth 2:12
May the Lord repay you for what you have done. May you be richly rewarded by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge.
Embracing Weakness and trust in God during weakness (with K)
Jared's Journal
December 28, 2016
I am really feeling down and weak today. Had some discouraging conversations with K lately, and I know she is disappointed in things she has learned about my past. I also struggle knowing some of her past and sometimes wonder about some things I don’t even know details to. I know we don’t judge each other necessarily, but we really do love each other so much and we have a good desire to hold on to one another and are jealous for each other’s love. I believe God has led us together this year and done so many things for us, and has used us to build each other up in the faith and to have amazing fellowship. Now I believe God is using a few things in our lives to bring us some anxiety and sadness to keep us humble and depending on Him.
I told K several times, “the person I want loves God more than she loves me”. I think that sometimes we have to lose a little confidence in people and ourselves to grow our trust and dependence upon God, and He is pleased to allow things to do that. It hurts that she thinks some bad things about me, and especially since I admitted to my mistakes and they are things from years and years ago that I just cant change. Things from a past life of stupidity and sin, things that led to such pain a ruin in my life (thank God for it all!). It makes me sad when these things still creep up on me in any way and impact my life now and bring me regret and guilt, however we all have consequences of our actions to deal with, and God can use it all for our good and His glory!
We still care about each other and love each other and want to see one another, but there just some things that God has not removed from us yet. I pray that when the time is right that He gives us the grace to overcome our struggles with each other, and until then to do whatever is needed to keep us humble. Maybe this is His way of slowing us down, seeing that we love each other so incredibly much and truly feel like we have found our first (earthly) love, however there is still some healing that needs to take place that we have to seek Him for.
Regardless of any of K’s past, I am beyond thankful to have her in my life. I want to treat Her with respect and honor, I want to serve her and love her, and most of all I want to continue on the pilgrimage with her. I pray my actions and my heart display this and that they are not just words. We have felt in our hearts starting from months and months ago that we are on a pilgrimage to see God (in this life and eternally), and amazingly have overcome some impossibly odds and have grown together to be MORE than just traveling friends, in fact I am overwhelmed and amazed at how much we have grown in our relationship together and how much love there is for each other.
Through all of this, I still have this anchor in my heart that says “God is good, trust in Him for the long haul, God is enough, when in doubt run to Father, stop walking by sight and see by faith, surrender and submit more, be the man God wants me to be no matter how it looks from the outside and no matter how it impacts my life now”.
God can take these bad memories and totally wipe them out! He has already done so with so so so so many things for me already, in fact most of my unsaved life is very hard to remember now. I have had many experiences where people have tried to ask me about things I had done or said in the past and I honestly cannot remember. One fear of mine is that K or myself will not be able to forget some of the troubles and bad memories and that it would hinder our fellowship and relationship with each other. I know this is a lie, and that when Father heals, redeems, restores, renews us, there is nothing left but joy and even more faith! May we continue to walk in His will and and the fear of the Lord to access the grace that is available. I trust my Father, and I trust His plan, I will not allow any of this to upset the faith I have in Him and cause me to worry or fear at how the past could ruin my future. No plan of God’s can be thwarted, only missed if we have closed eyes of unbelief, so I look for that plan and want to walk in that regardless of how it may not seem right for a moment, a day, a week, etc. He is greater than the doubts and questions, He is greater than the flood of lies that attack me, He is greater than our fleshly weaknesses and pain. I give you praise Father, that even during these sad and hard times that You have preserved my Faith in You!
You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by.Job 11:16 | NIV
They seldom reflect on the days of their life, because God keeps them occupied with gladness of heart.Ecclesiastes 5:20 | NIV
If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return.Hebrews 11:15 | NIV
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.Galatians 6:9 | NIV
Many plans are in a man’s mind, but it is the Lord’s purpose for him that will stand. 22That which is desired in a man is loyalty and kindness [and his glory and delight are his giving], but a poor man is better than a liar.23The reverent, worshipful fear of the Lord leads to life, and he who has it rests satisfied; he cannot be visited with [actual] evil.Proverbs 19:21-23 | AMP
The king was overjoyed and gave orders to lift Daniel out of the den. And when Daniel was lifted from the den, no wound was found on him, because he had trusted in his God.Daniel 6:23 | NIV
So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.36You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.Hebrews 10:35-36 | NIV
but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”John 4:14 | NIV
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,whose confidence is in him.8They will be like a tree planted by the waterthat sends out its roots by the stream.It does not fear when heat comes;its leaves are always green.It has no worries in a year of droughtand never fails to bear fruit.”Jeremiah 17:7-8 | NIV
“Have faith in God,” Jesus answered.Mark 11:22 | NIV
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.John 14:1 | NIV
But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,the purposes of his heart through all generations.Psalms 33:11 | NIV
“According to your faith let it be to you.”Matthew 9:29 | NKJV
But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.1 Peter 5:10 | NKJV
128
Kristin's Journal
January 28, 2017 – 1/28
Me and Jared talked about Ester again and the crazy connections with her story. I’m not sure what prompted Jared to share this, but he was saying his whole life he’s always enjoyed taking the lead on things.
He said in Boy Scouts or whatever group he would be in, he would lead. He was saying how him being a leader in a relationship really holds him accountable and this is about leading someone in growing closer to God, so this is SUPER important. He was saying to be a spiritual leader is a huge responsibility, but he’s happy to have that responsibility with me.
But he sees how much I want to learn and accept the truth in the things that he says. He sees that I want to submit, listen, and trust. It makes him realize how he really has to count on God to show him the right way in everything, because I’m counting on him to help me with my walk. It holds him extremely accountable and draws him so much closer to God because of my reliance on him.
It was such a blessing to hear this. I told him that I’ve never really thought this through, but I know that I’ve had these thoughts in the back of my mind. Thoughts about how God uses him to help me grow so much with hearing God’s true word, but I never really felt like I helped him in his walk with God. I know I help in a some ways, but not as much as he helps me. I know I encourage him, but that’s all I really thought that I did. Any friend can help encourage or godly person you can have fellowship with….there is nothing special about me. So when he opened up about that, it was one of the biggest blessing he could have gave me.
I know the enemy attacks me in some ways, because I don’t feel like I can be a help to him. I feel like the enemy has tried to drag me down in making me think that I was not very valuable friend to Jared. That I can be replaced by any godly woman. I know he loves me, but I have thought that there is someone out here who could be better for him. I thought that he can get what he has with me with ANY relationship, but the way Jared described it, it made it feel like God really did designate us for each other and that God really had this planned all along. Me for him and him for me. Customized for each other. I’m more than happy to submit and he’s more then happy to lead….it just works…so excellent together.
Jared later realized the date of today. I know the date is more significant to him than I will ever know, but he did mention that God has showed him the number 128, which has something to do with a wife.
What’s peculiar is, I just had that dream about getting married to him. The timing is right on time. And it’s also peculiar how I got that number 435, which means husband. What are the chances?!
Jared said that our struggle with the church has been such a test because he thought that I would want to believe in the lies of the church and that this could tear us apart. It meant something to him that the timing of our temporary resolution last night was right on time as well.
Before all this was talked about Jared also expressed what we talked about on 7/15, and what it all really meant for him. I had no idea that the parking ticket that was due to be paid on 7/15 was actually a confirmation for him to share with me about his deep study on the subject of divorce.
I appreciate all that he has shared with me about this because I’ve Been praying about God having Jared open up more about some stuff because I find that I share a lot about how God is working in my heart, but I don’t think Jared really shares much unless I open up first about God working in my heart. I was telling God that it would be nice if Jared would be the one to share. I don’t always feel like he opens up about that. But that’s ok. I can see God working on him.
1 Corinthians 7:15
But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.
The old worries are still a struggle
Kristin's Journal
January 31, 2017
In the very very past I struggled a lot in relationships because of trust issues. I know these trust issues have dwindled into my relationship with J at times.
When we first started getting really close as friends (and I started to desire him as a husband), I began to struggle with him being on his phone in front of me. I would struggle/worry about it because when I would see him on his phone I would wonder if he was talking to another girl, and then wonder what “they” might be talking about. It’s like I made it up in my head this fake story that he’s talking to some other girl behind my back. As if he’s leaving out a huge part of his life that he hasn’t told me about.
Now, dating as new creations in Christ, even though we have talked about being committed to one another, I’m sad to say that I’m still struggling with these thought patterns.
Before we actually labeled ourselves as “dating” I would keep these struggles and worries in-check because I found comfort in the fact that we weren’t dating. I would say to myself “We aren’t together, so if he’s talking to someone else, he can…he’s not designated to me” I ultimately didn’t want him to be talking to some other girl because I was clearly starting to like him, but this was my coping method with dealing with my trust issue.
Now we are dating, and I’m still struggling. My immediate thought goes to something negative. It’s almost automatic. I realize that these automatic thoughts that I have, as soon as I see a phone in his hand, needs to change. It steals my peace and my joy. If I truly believe that God is leading us together, I need to trust that God has given me a very good gift, because God is a Good Father. I need to learn to trust J to not hurt me, the way I’ve been hurt by others in the past.
Now that we are together, I am seeing that I can’t use the we-aren’t-dating coping mechanism anymore. I need to fully lean on God to trust him. I have been praying to God to help me not lose my peace and joy, to lean on Him and he will help me to trust in a way I have never been able to trust!
This broken world has torn down my trust in people when it comes to secrets, cheating, and lying. I’ve even played a hand in building up the trust issues I have in people, because I did the same things. Sometimes the way I kept secrets and told lies completely haunts me into thinking the person is doing the exact same thing as I did in the past or others have done to me. For example, the phone always being face down….I did that too because of my secrets. I’ve seen others do it to me because they had secrets.
The talks we’ve had about porn have helped tremendously, but I still experience these thoughts when I see a phone in his hand or I see it face down.
I remember the first handful of times I’ve ever spent with J as being a new creation in Christ. I remember putting down my phone face up on the table and found this small act so freeing. I remember thinking that I have nothing to hide I can put the phone face up.
When I got home I read my book as a way too set my mind on God. When I was done with chapter 4 I noticed that the next chapter is entitled, Hello, My Name is Trust Issues! Another part of the book also read something great.
but living loved isn’t just their mindset, it is a choice they make daily. We have to tell our minds to live loved. But then we must also tell our flesh no.
Lysa Terkeurst
I loved this because a lot of the times my flesh or maybe it’s the enemy, that wants me to focus on the past and wants me to wonder about things about J’S past that don’t matter. When I read this I thought about how I don’t live loved by J, by focusing on the past. By focusing on past mistakes and questions about his relationship with his ex or fake relationships in my head (lol), I’m ruining our moment in the present. I have to make this choice daily to tell my mind to live loved by J and to only focus on God and us as a couple in that moment. For some reason my flesh wants to wander to other things and I must tell it no. These words actually go through my head “NO focus on the moment and focus on God”.
I choose this daily.
Some of the new things he’s told me about in regards to his past makes me realize that there is a lot I don’t know about him, and I let this attack me at times. But this doesn’t matter. It’s in the past, and he’s a new creation in Christ.
I also read a devotion earlier today that was entitled, Don’t Compare Yourself to Others. As soon as I saw the title, I felt totally convicted.
A light bulb went off in my head — I do this. Not just with my body in bodybuilding, but with my relationship with J. I compare the relationship he had with his ex to our relationship. I completely devalue what we have by doing that. This also plays into trusting that he doesn’t love me the way he says he loves me. I make myself live unloved by J, just like I said above.
It’s so weird though with all these struggles. When we did make it official I don’t think I really had these struggles for a the first month or so, but the stuff about the phone started to slowly creep back.
Trust Issues
Kristin's Journal
February 2, 2017
I wanted to create a whole other journal entry for this because God is showing me so much on it.
I just read the trust issue chapter last night in my Uninvited book. Then this morning I was reading my devotional in my email. The devotion was entitled I Have Trust Issues!!! It was by the same author of my book. The devotion was a mirror imagine of the chapter I just read, but a shorter version of it! How AMAZING!!! This is GOD’s TIMING for sure!! Of all the chapters I was at in my book and of all the books I was reading!? And of all the topics the email devotion had to be about?! I am in serious shock!
Last night I proceeded to read this chapter about trust issues. After the impossibility of the timing of reading this exact book and this exact chapter, perfectly paired up with the day of the devotion being emailed to me, I feel as if God was saying “read it again, you’re missing something I’m trying to show you.”
So I read the chapter again and pondered on this part, which said:
what we see will violate what we know unless what we know dictates what we see.
I thought of Facebook.
I see things on Facebook that make me devalue the love J has for me. I’ve been in the world for 30 years and for about the last 12 years I have seen the way the world shows love. My mind and my flesh still sees “love” the way the world see it. When you “love” something, you post about it. People post about the food they love, the things they love to do, the books they love to read, and about the people they love.
Love is when your significant other posts about you on Facebook. My ex never posted about me either. With him I felt unloved in many many ways, this being one of them. Of course there were other ways I felt very unloved. But as an unbeliever, social media meant a lot to me. Way way wayyyyy more than it should have.
I know facebook does not matter anymore and for the first time, my heart knows it too. J’s old pictures of his ex and his past life have violated what I know about his love for me. What I know about his love for me, is that it can’t ever be reflected on social media post. His love is more vast and deep than that. If I actually think his facebook posts reflect his love for me, I would be greatly devaluing his love for me.
I feel like I have to relearn what love really is. I guess the thing that gets me is that some people’s facebook is totally right on. The love story that they show on facebook is very real! And I think that it can be a sweet thing when you see the real thing. I know a few people who’s social media is a small reflection of something real. Not too many, but there are a few.
“But living loved isn’t just their mindset it is a choice they make daily. We have to tell our minds to live loved. But then we must also tell our flesh no”.
Kristin’s Additional Notes:
This is a neat one for me to look back on! What a struggle I had with social media because I was deeply insecure. I’m so happy to be free of all of this.
Ruth
Kristin's Journal
February 2, 2017
This morning I was reading about Ruth in my book about women in the Bible. I came across an 828 and sent it to J. At the exact same time J was writing about Ruth in his journal!
What’s also amazing is that J asked God to sync us up again and He did!
What I read in the book was all about things not happening by chance! They happen because God is sovereign and He is always working all things together for His children.
Ruth 2:3
3So Ruth departed and went out into the field and gleaned after the harvesters. And she happened to come to the part of the field belonging to Boaz, who was from the clan of Elimelech.
Happy Valentine's Day
Kristin's Journal
February 14, 2017
For the first time in my whole life I am perfectly full and content on Valentine’s Day. I remember every past Valentine’s Day (as an unbeliever) I wanted to be given something nice. Even when I was given something nice I felt like something was still missing…like I didn’t get enough. My flowers weren’t pretty enough, presents weren’t good enough. As much as I knew I should be appreciative there was a part of me that just wasn’t satisfied because I wanted “more”.
But with God this “love” Day is so different. I feel like I truly and genuinely did not care what-so-ever about getting anything. And even though I ended up with nothing I seriously didn’t care or have any want of anything in my heart!
I was amazed to see that my words weren’t empty. I truly felt so content in my heart. This true contentment is a gift from God, which is way better than a gift from any person.
Past Valentine’s Days, when I didn’t get anything I would be disappointed.
I never really felt loved outside of a holiday and I think that at least on a holiday or (any present giving holiday actually), my heart would be “fulfilled” with a gift and that’s what might make me feel loved. But honestly that love was empty no matter what I got, because the truth is, I still felt a void.
The Miracle Rainbow 🌈
Kristin's Journal
February 24, 2017
On the way home from work me and J saw a rainbow in the sky. What was odd about this rainbow, was that there was not a drop of rain in the area. The rainbow was just barely there, but we could see it!
I told J, that it’s just like when I was flying home from my mission trip in Panama 
. I was flying high in the sky amongst the clouds, but there was no rain. However, there it was a rainbow in the shape of a circle.
When we got to J’s house we talked more about the amazement of the rainbow. I decided to look up the journal entry of when I saw the rainbow on the plane. I started reading the journal entry, only to find myself in absolute AMAZEMENT.
In this journal entry about Panama and seeing the rainbow, I was reminded that J sent a text that talked about marriage on 10/11!
This is God’s perfect timing!!
What’s amazing about this text message, is the timing of me re-reading it today. These last couple of months we both feel that God is getting us ready for marriage!
These past few days I can tell that Jared has been told by God to “wait”. I know God is preparing us because we keep going through fires and then God will help us through and give us overwhelming joy!
J then told me about a number God showed him last week as he was driving. On one side of him, was a car with license plate that had the number 224, and on the other side of him was another 224! He also got a 224 on the date of 2/24!!
The first scripture that came to his mind was Genesis 2:24 which reads: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh”
I can’t believe the text message from October and this scripture! Seeing the miracle-rainbow in the past (Coming home from Panama) and seeing it today has connected all of this! It’s perfect timing because of all the marriage talk lately.
J then prayed for a confirmation that the rainbow was from God. I told J that God already did confirm it’s Him, because all of this is too amazing! I turned around and thought to myself “I hope God confirms it for him sometime”.
I wasn’t expecting it to be tonight that he would confirm it!!!
About 15 mins later, J decides to look at his journal entry on October 11th. The only journal entry he had was from his friend Terrance Rainbow.
We were in COMPLETE shock!!! This is impossible!! J then showed me the journal entry as he was reading it aloud. As I was looking at his journal entry I noticed the picture he inserted in the entry. The picture was referring to scripture Rev. 7:15-17!!!! We went and read the scripture….it’s so beautiful. I hope to God this scripture is 100% for us.
Revelation 7:15-17 NIV
Therefore, “they are before the throne of God and serve him day and night in his temple; and he who sits on the throne will shelter them with his presence. [16] ‘Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat down on them,’ nor any scorching heat. [17] For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; ‘he will lead them to springs of living water .’ b ‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes .’
Side Note:
When I was coming home from Panama and I saw the rainbow, I was encouraged to look up scriptures about rainbows.
One scriptures was Revelation 4:3 – And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbow that shone like an emerald encircled the throne.
Revelation 10:1 – Then I saw another mighty angel coming down from heaven. He was robed in a cloud, with a rainbow above his head; his face was like the sun, and his legs were like fiery pillars.
I was quite excited to see that Jared was also led to read the book of revelation associated with “rainbow” in his journal entry. Similar to me.
Talking with K about our relationship
Jared's Journal
February 23, 2017
After work we parked at chipotle, and as soon as I asked her what was on her heart from the other day I looked ahead and saw license plate 128!
I am so blessed by all of this, and the good fruit that comes with each struggle. She told me that she had spent the last two days fully giving me up to God and surrendering our relationship, she concluded with:
Now I am just wanting to see how much He will let me hold on to you, and, I told Him that I would wait as long as it takes.
Praise God!!! He has created such a blessing in her!!
Number Combinations and Birthdays
Kristin's Journal
March 2, 2017
I processed these two amendments back-to-back.
One amendment had an 828 and the other had a 715. (Additional note: What’s amazing about this, is that Jared and I have seen God give us these numbers together multiple times throughout our fellowshipping friendship and relationship.)
I’ve also been working on an excel spread sheet full of numbers. What’s peculiar about all this is the timing. I’ve been working on the spreadsheet all day, but I finally took a break from looking at it and did these two amendments, which is where I noticed the 828 and 715. Right after noticing these two numbers together, Cortney emails me about the new monthly fee in regards to amendment that I just processed ($X,828.xx). When she emailed me I saw the notification pop up on my computer at the bottom right corner, stating the monthly price, which happen to be at the exact same time that I was working on an excel spreadsheet!!
God arranged this perfect timing. I read the spreadsheet numbers and 828 almost at the exact same time.
When I was working on a excel formula to count the amount of cells that contain the word “true”. I did the formula exactly as I should have, but instead of it giving me a number it had a glitch, and gave me a date! 5-28-1906!!! How insane!! That date is Jared’s birthday! (of course not the year 1906, lol)
I did the exact same formula in another cell and it did it correct 2340. I even double checked the formatting of the cell with the date…everything looks like it was correct, but it didn’t populate correctly.
So to summarize, I got 828, 715, and Jared’s birthday all the exact same time. This means something…
We Don't Need to Pray
Kristin's Journal
March 2, 2017 – later in the day
After I showed J all the crazy number combinations (the above journal entry) he said that he wanted to pray about our relationship.
For some reason I got annoyed and frustrated. I honestly felt like i didn’t understand what he needed to pray about because I felt like God has been answering prayers and showing impossible signs and wonders left and right. I felt like, what is there to pray about when he has already answered over and over again…the only thing there is left to do is praise Him for answering our prayers!
I know it sounds bad to say “what is there to pray about”, because I know there is plenty to pray about! But in regards to taking our relationship to the next level, I feel like God has answered and the time of popping the question should be now because I feel like God has gone above and beyond with showing us.
To me it’s very clear, but I feel like J is doubting. This doubt makes me worry, I think.
Maybe he doesn’t want to marry me.
Maybe he is hesitating.
Maybe he doesn’t want to believe these miracles.
Maybe he’s trying to hold off.
I just want J to trust, but even if he doesn’t trust the answer just yet, I need to be patient on God building that trust, because it’s about God’s timing and His will.
I also realize now that I was being insensitive and impatient and I hope that he forgives me.
I know it was a horrible reaction. I know that God is even rebuking me after the devotion I just read!
I love Him for correcting me and my thoughts!
"Decisions Require Prayer"
Kristin's Journal
March 3, 2017
I am absolutely dumbfounded by my devotion today! The devotion referred to Joshua 9:14 which says: The Israelites sampled their provisions but did not inquire of the Lord.
The author was talking about how the Israelites got tricked by the country of Gibeon. They pretended to be from a distant country, when actually they lived near by.
Whey they asked for a treaty, God’s people “sampled their provisions” and agreed to a peace treaty, rather than “inquiring of the Lord”.
The author sums up with saying how he felt convicted reading this passage and thought of how many times he makes decisions without spending time in prayer.
He said this exactly:
“How many times do I decide to do or not do something by simply “sampling the provisions” (spreadsheets, test-drives, investment returns, outward appearances, etc). Decisions require prayer. No prayer is the formula for failure.
This is so amazing with how it talks about formulas and spreadsheets. Yesterday in my spreadsheet I put the formula in and got J’s birthday!
After reading this devotion, I realize now that I was being insensitive and impatient and I hope that he forgives me. I guess I’m being impatient, because we have prayed about this a lot, but we need to keep praying!!
I know it was a horrible reaction. I know that God is even rebuking me after the devotion I just read!
I love Him for correcting me and my thoughts! Thank you Jesus!
Hebrews 12:6
For whom the Lord loves He chastens,
And scourges every son whom He receives.
Erika's Spiritual Direction
Kristin's Journal
March 27, 2017
When Erika told about her spiritual direction experience she was saying how it’s not ok to even stay at each other’s houses even if you are staying in a different room because it’s like you’re playing house.
I’ve been thinking that I do need to stop doing this or at least spend less time together. I think spending all day together is something married couples have the privilege of doing because they live together.
It’s also been tough spending all day at one another’s house, all weekend long, because then one person will never get anything done around the house.
I know that my lack of being at home has been catching up to me and I’ve been struggling to keep up with laundry and keeping my room tidy because I haven’t had as much time to do that. I know these types of things would be completely different if we lived together. We would both be trying to maintain the same thing instead of two separate houses.
Erika was explaining that this isn’t pulling back from each other, it’s actually moving forward. I don’t really feel discouraged, but I feel disappointed. I know this is the right thing to do and I think this is why I don’t feel discouraged. Disappointed though because I want to share our lives together, but I know we can’t yet, because we’re not married.
I also don’t feel discouraged because I am feeling quite amazed that Erika had no idea what I’ve been praying/thinking about, yet she comes with words from God to me!
God said "no" to vacation
Kristin's Journal
March 27, 2017
I’ve been praying about vacation and I think the answer is no. With Erika’s spiritual direction story, I feel this is an answer to prayer because she had no idea I was even praying about this!
I feel that taking a vacation together, is like acting as if we are a married couple and we aren’t.
I know there are times when I was wondering, is God really saying no? If we stay in separate
rooms it will be fine. However, I feel that even if we got separate rooms, this could be wrong because when telling people we are going
on vacation, they will probably assume we are staying in the same room. For me personally, I feel convicted about this.
I’m acknowledging to God with being disappointed about not being able to go on vacation.
I know I shouldn’t be disappointed though because I should just be appreciative of everything I have. I shouldn’t complain about not going on vacation. In everything, I should give thanks.
When I got to work this morning God confirmed that I am on the right track with my conviction about not going on vacation. The devotion I read talked about not being disappointed when God says no.
After reading this devotion I realize I need to praise God even when He says “no”. This email took away the remaining doubt and temptation of playing with idea of vacationing together, as a dating couple.
I think this is also about limiting our freedom, just like how my young adult pastor was referring to, in regards to the gray areas of the Bible.
Even though we might feel the freedom to do something, sometimes we shouldn’t so we don’t cause others to stumble.
I believe this will help us to be a better witness for God.
1 Corinthians 8:9
Be careful, however, that your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak.
2 Tim 3:16
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for instruction, for conviction, for correction, and for training in righteousness, 17so that the man of God may be complete, fully equipped for every good work.
2 Tim 2:20-21
Therefore if anyone cleanses himself from the latter, he will be a vessel for honor, a]”>[a]sanctified and useful for the Master, prepared for every good work.
Hebrews 5:8 NIV...
Kristin's Journal
March 27, 2017
Son though he was, he learned obedience from what he suffered.
I came across this scripture yesterday after going to church, and also again today. I had my bible opened after church was over and I was just looking over some of the scriptures. I remember my eye caught on it because it was underlined. I thought about this scripture for a quick moment and thought “Jesus learned obedience”. Then my eye moved onto something else.
I also got the same scripture today in my devotion.
I feel that my waiting, is causing me a type of suffering, because it’s hard to wait.
Sometimes I wonder if this is waiting or is God just saying “no” to us being married at all.
I am holding loosely onto the idea of J and I being married, and it hurts to think of us not being together.
Suffering
Kristin's Journal
March 29, 2017
I realized that this week I’ve been in God’s Word to only seek guidance for my life and not to know God at all. I realized that I was being selfish in this way. I think in-a-way, I was trying to manipulate God and I didn’t realize I was trying to do that. I don’t think I was doing or saying things out of the goodness of my heart, but instead to only try to get what I want.
I know with vacation being “no”, I was disappointed in the answer. I felt more disappointed in the answer than encouraged to know God was talking to me. This is wrong and I realized it was, but I still let a bigger part of myself be disappointed rather than encouraged even after knowing this.
The no’s and the waiting feel like suffering in my heart because I am denying myself of something I really want to do. Part of me wants to be obedient, but than another part of me just wants to do what I want, because I know it’s not necessarily wrong. It’s just a gray area where there is no right or wrong on the subject; and if we did things on our timing, it’s not really wrong either because I know we have God’s approval. There have been so many answered prayers about our relationship, that I believe it shows God is pleased.
I keep thinking of my friend Amanda’s relationship and think this thought: look at them moving forward and look how happy they are.
They are a Godly couple and they are doing things at their own pace and everything is going great.
I know J is waiting on God and His timing, but it has been really tough on me and has hurt and attacked me. I have been trying to put marriage out of my mind and not focus on it so intently. Although it has not been my main focus lately, I still feel that it is in the back of my mind and I find myself looking for signs. I need to actively stop doing that, because I don’t want my desire for marriage to be my main focus. I want my relationship with God to be my main focus.
A lot of times when I’m in God’s word I look to see and think, what is that number or is there anything in this passage that has to do with marriage? This mindset is me trying to seek answers for my life instead trying to understand more about God.
With my main focus being off, I am not making God my center. Rather, it’s still making ME the center. This shouldn’t be about me…it’s about God.
I should be getting into His Word to know Him, and if I happen to stumble across something for me then that’s great! But if don’t come across something for me then that’s great too, because in the end I’m growing closer to God by getting to know and understand more about Him.
I do need to be in His word for guidance for my life, but that should not be the only reason I’m getting into His word.
By being in his word for selfish reasons I found myself being slightly frustrated instead of renewed by His word. I was slightly frustrated because of my selfishness!
How ugly this is…ugh. I feel ashamed of this.
This morning I was in God’s word to know more about Him instead of wondering what’s in it for me and God still showed mercy to me and gave me something special.
1 Peter 3:17 For it is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.
Even if the “no” to vacation and waiting on marriage is hard and makes me suffer a bit, it is so much better to suffer for God’s will than to do something he doesn’t really want me to do/wait.
When I looked at my situation in this way, I finally felt joy and was delighted to accept God’s answer.
I knew before that this is how I SHOULD feel and look at this situation, but deep in my heart I wasn’t feeling this way at all. Coming across this scripture has put my heart in the right place. 
After realizing all of this I went to read my devotional and the title of it was all about being selfish!! The first devotional was more about putting yourself on a pedestal and honoring yourself. This is more about pride, but being prideful is all about being selfish and self-centered.
The second devotional I read was extremely relatable to my life. The devotionals from this week have been so dead on when it comes to my life. It’s amazing!
Sneak peak of moving into the engagement chapter
A new number?! 2487
Kristin's Journal
March 31, 2017
I was driving to work today. I was behind license plate 4871. We actually ended slowing down because of a big
truck making a turn. We slowed down almost to a stop. Because we were going so slow I noticed a sign on the side of the road with a phone number. 724-871-xxxx.
I then noticed that 4871 was also on the license plate in front of me.
How odd!!
Later on J was checking the amount of steps he had. The amount he had was 2487! How is that even possible??? We are both in awe!!
From the outside looking in
Kristin's Additional Note
December 26, 2021
Its been interesting looking at these journal entries. We’ve grown so much in The Lord since all of this. It almost feels like I’m now reading this as an outsider looking into all this. I look at these past journal entries and forget about how much of a emotional roller-coaster I was on. I had to actively submit my feelings and emotions to God daily. He was my only hope, and hiding under the shadow of His wings really did guard me from my own sin nature and hard circumstances. His Word holds true!
I also see God being so wise in his guidance with our sleepovers. And at the time I couldn’t see this because I was too close to the picture and because of my immaturity in Christ; but I can see how He was trying to keep Jared from his legalistic tendencies, while also teaching me and preventing me from being legalistic myself. I see that in our personal story – and I say personal story because this might not be everyone’s story or everyone’s convictions. We each as individuals need to take our ideas and situations to God. What wasn’t sin for us, may be sin for you. But anyways, for us personally, God gave the permission to sleep over, but also showed us that there is a higher calling to our actions. It was hard to do the higher calling in our actions, but by God’s grace, we did. And in doing that, I see that having sleep overs out of convenience should not be a practice in our relationship, so we pulled back to keep moving forward and deeper with God.
Of course it was an inconvenience because we lived 45 mins away from each other, and of course we missed each other more often, but we are more thankful now for the lessons, for the growth, and for the good testimony of choosing God’s perfect will over his permissive will.
Its almost like a parent allowing their child to sleep over their friends house every so often. Is this ok to do sometimes? Maybe if the child is good and they are showing themselves trustful and responsible. But all the time, even if they’re a great kid? Absolutely not. You are your parent’s child and you belong at home with them.
Today, we are married and one flesh, and I’m thankful for this amazing gift of having my husband to fall asleep next to every night and wake up to, as God sheds his new mercy on us each morning.
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Wow. How God works in each of our lives is just amazing, teaching us to turn aside from our selfish ways and focus on knowing Him more deeply.
The last journal entry you’ve wrote which was on March 29, 2017 is what I have been pondering right now after I fininised reading this whole post.
I can relate to this as well that I have been looking to God’s word for His guidance in my life in a selfish way rather than getting to know Him better in my walk with Him. Not only in His Word but this selfishness infiltrated in my prayers too.
I thank Father for convicting me in my heart this month where He saw my prayers and desires were too focused on me rather than to benefit others. I’ve realised that I’ve been praying only about my desires about certain decisions in my life that I lost the importance of seeking the Kingdom of God first and living righteously, not for myself but for others. Therefore, this selfishness caused me to feel worried, to doubt and to be concerned of everything around me and robs me of my good fellowship with God. I knew I had to humble myself before Father and let all my selfishness go.
Recently, I stumbled upon a few sermons about intercessory prayer. I believe God, through His Holy Spirit, is directing my mind and heart away from praying too much on my own desires and needs and to focus praying for others more. If I can remember I think keep seeing sermons or messages on YouTube and in on some books I was reading about praying for others and not just focusing on myself only.
Therefore, the Lord has been teaching me to pray for others and His kingdom to come first and that I put my requests and needs lasts. From perseveringly reading God’s word, understanding it and living it in my heart I began to see that we pray not to benefit ourselves only but to help, support and encourage others.
There were passages that point me to using the gifts God gives me to use for benefiting others and not to just keep them to ourselves. (Ephesians 2:10; Titus 3:8, 14; and other scriptures that I should write down next time to remember.) All of these God is directing me to live a life of sacrificing myself for others so that they can be drawn to the Light, Jesus Christ and be blessed to know our King, Lord and Saviour.
I have found in my journal entry on 5 December 2021 that when God was teaching me to pray for others more I was “overjoyed to hear God speak to me about these things. Him bringing me to a place of prayer before Him for others which can be a joy.”
Thank you sister in Christ for sharing your journals about your walk with God with us. They always encouraged me to continue to walk joyfully and commitedly to Father everyday too.
God bless you and I’ll be waiting to read your next post.
From your sister in Christ,
Geraldean
Thank you for always sharing and being so open! Help with my selfishness is like a daily prayer for me!! It’s hard not think of yourself all the time. Even before I go into the Word, still today my prayer is that God would help my mind to focus on HIM. I have to actively shut off my mind on the my thoughts about myself, my day, my wants, etc.