When I was a child I moved from queens, NY to the mean streets of a surburan area in Pennsylvania.  This was a huge transition for my family. We went from city life to what felt like country life, even though it totally was not country at all.  But to us New Yorkers, seeing a dead deer on the side of the road and smelling a skunk, meant we were in the “country”.

I remember my life in NY, where gymnastics was my life and a few of my teammates were my best friends.  Public schools in NY were over crowded with kids, that get lost in the shuffle. But I liked the shuffle.  I struggled a lot in school when I was young, so the shuffle hid my academic weaknesses.

Fast forward to my 8-year-old-self, where I began a new life in Pennsylvania. My mom registers me for my new elementary school and guess what they tell her?  Your daughter needs to repeat third grade.  I was mortified. I felt like an absolute failure. Embarrassed. Inadequate. And on top of that lost in a new school with no friends. 

For a quiet girl like me, its never fun being the new girl.  I’ve never been that kind of person who walks into a room and can instantly make friends.  Let me paint the picture.

Have you ever seen the movie Never Been Kissed with Drew Barrymore?  In the movie, she’s an undercover reporter who goes back to high school. She’s been attending school for few weeks and she is struggling to fit in.  Her brother who also already graduated high school goes back to school too, to help her fit in; and in the matter of one day, the whole lunch room is chanting his name in some food eating contest. Drew Barrymore stands there completely dumbfounded, thinking “how did he do that?  How does he already have all these friends?”  That’s totally me.  The girl standing in the doorway, completely clueless on how to make a friend. 

However, unlike the character of Drew Barrymore, I’m very fortunate that I was not actually bullied in school. There were times kids said mean things, but I didn’t go through the trauma that some kids do face.  I’m thankful for that.

You would think that some of the struggles I did face in school would soften me to others who face the same struggles as I did.  The challenge of fitting in, and the feelings of being unseen, unpretty, and less than. These all piled up as a big weight of insecurity.

For some people, their dreadful experiences do soften them and humble them. But, what happens when you have pain in your heart and memories in your mind that you just can’t erase? What happens when you do not know how to forgive and heal? Unfortunately, I can tell you.  

I was not the kind of person who was humbled by my experiences. Instead, I was the kind of person who let insecurities pile up on my heart one by one.  I fought these insecurities the only way I knew how. I let the hardness and bitterness seep in though the holes of insecurity. 

That’s the kind of person I am without Jesus. Bitter. Cold. Hardhearted. 

Without Christ in my life, the only way I knew how to feel confident, was to be judgmental and critical of others, which we all know is not a confidence at all. Putting others down was my defense mechanism against the people who made me feel left out and less than.

And do you know what’s an even worse false confidence of mine?  Hurting people.

There were a few times in my life where I left people out, simply because I’ve been left out so many times. It would give me a sense of satisfaction to have the upper hand, and for once in my life, to be on the other end of things. How cruel.

I will say this in my defense though — I was too selfish and cold-hearted to recognize the hurt I caused others. I was so focused on making myself feel better that it didn’t matter if I hurt someone else in the process.

As you can see, I have fallen so-very-short of the glory of God in more ways than one.  Coming to Jesus allowed me to start seeing the mammoth-of-a log, in my own eye. I was so ashamed when I began to really see who I’d become because of the weight of insecurity. 

When I got honest with myself, I realized that I had become the girl that I never wanted to become. I became the girl that got jealous of others,  that competed with others, compared myself to others and criticized others. It was a toxic cycle I finally realized, was not ok. 

There were countless times I’ve tried to change these horrible qualities about myself.  I’ve tried telling myself  over and over to just be nice and kind, to just stop being jealous, to just stop being competitive and to just be a good positive person.  Everything would be fine and dandy, if I can just do all these things; but a positive thought life has completely failed me.  I realize that these good qualities are  great things to desire, but they are good qualities that I can’t maintain myself.

The simple truth about me, is that I cant ‘just’ do any of these good qualities because, its not genuinely in me to do that. I have tried and have failed; and felt fake for doing it.

But here’s another simple truth. The answer to all my insecurities and lack of genuineness is Jesus, who brings us very Good News!

I remember when I came to Christ and realized that Jesus’ death was not just to save us from our sins in the future, but to save us from our sins, right now! God never intended for us to be stuck in our sin with no way out of it, while we live here on earth. 

Oh how I wish more people knew the Good News of how Jesus is the healer of all hearts that have been broken; hearts that have felt the sting of rejection; and hearts that have grown stone-hard from hurtful experiences.  We are all living a life here on earth, surrounded on all sides by broken people, who sometimes don’t make life easy.

When I came to Christ, I realized that when I focus on Him alone — not on being nice and kind, not on stopping my jealousy, not on maintaining a positive attitude — but fixing my eyes completely on Jesus;  I have come to realize there is a much better way to deal with life’s hardships.

His Holy Spirit living in me is cleansing me from the inside out. He is making me into a new creation day-by-day.  A new creation who no longer struggles with jealously or competition. A new creation who still feels rejected at times, who still feels unseen and unheard; but as I commit my hurt feelings to God, He becomes my helper and ally. He upholds my heart and provides the power in me through the Holy Spirit, to respond in a whole new way.  

It is God effectually working in me giving me the will to not repay evil for evil or respond hurt for hurt, as I once did in the past. He gives me the power to overlook the offense, and instead, respond in love; for His good pleasure and delight. 

And guess what? I don’t feel  like my kindness or positive thinking is fake.  He has given me a new heart that reflects Jesus. 

Responding in a godly way to life’s hard circumstances is so much more fulfilling than just trying to be a better person.  To do it to be a delight to God becomes an eternal purpose.